Feelings

Please remember that this is my journal for the girls. I find that it's easier this way for me to keep up with all that is going on in their journeys. Feel free to ignore this post today and go on with your everyday lives. (By the way, why do you come by? Leave us a msg. I can't imagine anyone being so bored that they are interested in my little everyday ramblings, but lately we've been getting quite a few hits. Talk to me. I am sure we would be great friends.)

Today is the Saturday before the Tuesday that could change our lives forever. I am sitting at the kitchen table looking out at all the snow wondering if Hannah Grace will be sitting at this same table in just a few months. I wonder if she will be able to climb up into these tall chairs. I've always thought she'd get to sit in the high chair first, but now I'm not so sure.

I have guilty feelings today. We are finally at #12 for Ebaby and yet we are looking at an adorable little Asian face. I know all along this journey God has taught us many things. He has shown Himself around every turn we've taken. What am I supposed to be learning now? I really think I could be looking at Hannah Grace's face. I want to be excited, but at the same time I want to be cautious. I am falling head over heels, which I think I should be. I don't want to get matched next week & feel guilty for not loving her as much as I should. So, I've decided to give it all or nothing. I am even planning as if we will be traveling to China soon. (YIPPEE)

Now as far as Ebaby goes. I am guessing in my mind here. We totally know God brought us through the long wait with China to have us discover another daughter in ET. We totally get it. We figured that one out. And now, we are so close - #12. Why would he give us China first now and make us get to the end of the line . If this is it, the girls won't be close in age as I thought when He started leading us in this direction.

I am excited that our dream won't be lost (like so many fear in the China program) I am pumped that our lives could be changing. But I am sad that the girls won't be like my boys. I am sure there is positive points to this. I just worry about jealousy. (alright worry is a harsh word) I am concerned that they won't be best friends like I had dreamed for them. I am close to my sisters, but age is a barrier between us. I have been blessed by a best friend since I was in the 5th grade (hey Amy girl. love ya) I was always jealous of her. She has a sister that is only 2 years older than her. Even though we all fought growing up, I knew that they had something more special than I did because they were close in age. Don't get me wrong. I love mine & we are close. But, we could have been closer if they were going thorough the same things I was going through.

And in the back of my mind (because it's at the front of Andy's mind) I have to think of the financials. We had everything figured out with the ET adoption. Now, we are having to revamp everything. I know God will take care of everything, we could easily borrow it if need be, but we've worked really hard during our marriage to keep us from getting into debt. We think it's important to be good stewards of our money. I also know that if we borrow the amount for China, we'd be able to pay it back fairly quickly with tax credit & such. I really shouldn't post this here, I guess. I don't want the girls to ever feel bad for any reason, especially something that isn't their fault. But, this is part of the journey that we are currently taking. I have to remember all this. I must learn from this.

Hopefully next week I'll be able to give you more details of this cutie that's stirring up all these feelings. But warning - I won't be able to put up her picture until we have LOA (letter of acceptance) from China. BUMMER. I can't wait to tell you all about her. She truly is a doll so full of life.

So, one last "Well what do you think today?" Today & until they tell me differently - YES THIS IS HER.